Welcome to “Your Bioware Crushes & Squishes,” where I report on the FemHype crew’s favorite Bioware romances and friendships! Both the Mass Effect and Dragon Age series are near and dear to many of our hearts, so I thought I’d throw a virtual sleepover of sorts where we talk about our ~tru luvs~ and brush each other’s hair. Romance not your cup of tea? No worries! We’re gonna talk about our best buds, too, since friendships are just as valid. After discussing heavy theory and social issues, sometimes it’s nice to just kick back, relax, and cry about video game characters.
This time around, we’re taking a look at your favorite Mass Effect characters to romance after conducting a poll with 485 total respondents. (My apologies to those who had to deal with the initial technical difficulties, by the way.)
Keep in mind that this time around, we’re focusing on a larger cast of characters in response to previous feedback, and like last time, respondents could choose multiple answers for the same question.
Agreed. Let’s leave our little krogan tank son to kick butt and woo mates.
What, you mean you don’t want to die a gruesome death via asari sex? C’mon, live a little.
23. Diana Allers
I feel like Diana could have been a super cool character, but there just wasn’t that extra oomph, you know? Cool war asset idea, though.
22. Jacob Taylor
Not sure how to feel about this. Either Jacob ranked low because people weren’t pleased with the stereotypes in his romance, or because of unconscious biases. Hm.
21. Zaeed Massani
I haven’t played the DLC because it’s too expensive, so I totally got Zaeed mixed up with Javik when I first wrote this blurb. I hecked up.
20. Urdnot Wrex
Raise your hand if you messed up on Virmire during your first playthrough. ✋ Yeah, me too.
19. Mordin Solus
Those of you who voted for Mordin were probably really sad to have him turn you down in Mass Effect 2. [Inhales deeply] Problematic.
18. Steve Cortez
Bioware did a really good job of making a sympathetic gay character here—even if they did play into the Bury Your Gays trope a little.
The first step toward world domination by synthetic life forms is a good spot in the character ranking. (That was a joke.)
Okay, wait a minute. Is it technically a polyamorous relationship if you date a geth? Seriously, though.
15. Ashley Williams
Admittedly, I usually don’t let Ashley live because I can’t stand her xenophobia in the original Mass Effect, but apparently she chills out in later games? Gotta do an alive!Ashley playthrough some time!
From what I’ve seen, Javik seems to be the Prothean version of Peridot from Steven Universe, aka hilarious.
13. Jeff “Joker” Moreau
Sending my deepest condolences to the Joker lovers out there. It must be rough to beg for a romance, then have him potentially paired up with another NPC.
12. Kelly Chambers
When I think of Kelly, all I can think of is the “Tubby Custard” scene … You know the one. [Trigger warning for body horror at link.]
I didn’t actually know you could romance Samara until I researched it for this poll. I just figured she’d swiftly turn down any advances. The more you know!
10. Kaidan Alenko
Ah, yes, let’s crack open the top ten characters with our favorite Canadian. Hockey and maple syrup and politeness and whatnot, eh?
9. James Vega
Who knew Fred from the live action Scooby Doo movies would voice some of our favorite Bioware guys? Life is funny like that.
8. Miranda Lawson
Miranda is such an underrated character, in my opinion. She’s literally a Mary Sue deconstruction-reconstruction-subversion mishmash, and that’s pretty rad.
7. Kasumi Goto
Again, since there’s no reasonably priced way for me to get DLC for these games, I don’t know too much about Kasumi except that she’s there for the jellyfish quote.
6. Liara T’Soni
Did you know that Liara’s advances in Mass Effect 3 weird Jillian out, and it’s really funny? Well, you would if you watched the official FemHype playthrough. #ShamelessPlug
5. Samantha Traynor
Samantha is incredibly gay and it cracks me up. Is there a woman on the Normandy she’s not googly-eyed for? (Honestly, though, me too, Samantha. Me too.)
4. Thane Krios
Literally the best part about the Thane-mance is where you hold hands and talk about vacation plans like an old married couple. Fight me.
Side-eyeing Bioware so, so hard for implying that Jack is also attracted to women, then proceeding to make her romanceable only by men anyway.
2. Tali’Zorah nar Rayya
Tali ranked really high on the list of crushes. Time to celebrate by ingesting tasty liquids through our emergency induction ports!
1. Garrus Vakarian
We all expected this to happen, so here, have a GIF of Garrus dancing!
Anyway, I’m off to holler at the vast Pennsylvanian wilderness because I’m too broke to afford any Mass Effect DLC. I had to be brief with each character comment this time because there’s just so many, but that means there’s more room for your remarks! So drop a line either in the comments section below, on FemHype’s social media linked in the sidebar, or at my very own Twitter, @LongLiveMelKing.
Next up: your best Mass Effect buddies!