Nice to see you again, FemHype crew! It’s been a while since I’ve submitted anything to this fabulous website, and boy, have I missed seeing your bright, shining faces. With a new year comes new writing, so why not conduct some investigative journalism to kick off 2016?
During my short hiatus, I went on an undercover investigation in which I uncovered evidence that The Iron Bull (Dragon Age: Inquisition), Deacon (Fallout 4), and Revolver Ocelot (the Metal Gear Solid series) are really The Same Guy. I know, I know, I’m shocked myself. But we need to put aside our gut reactions and look at the hard facts.
1. It’s All About That Intel, Baby
Let’s start with the obvious—Bull, Deacon, and Ocelot live for intel. You’d think that The Iron Bull was just there to drink his weight in ale and make bad puns, but he’s actually gathering information about you, the protagonist, so his people can take over your continent. If it wasn’t for Deacon’s … incredibly inconspicuous use of disguises to track your deeds in the Commonwealth, you’d be indistinguishable from Swiss cheese thanks to Glory’s minigun. And don’t even get me started on Ocelot.
2. Actually Super Smart Underneath All Those Quirks
Remember that Qunari who advocates for No-Pants Fridays? He can identify the weaknesses of everyone in a room within seconds. That guy wearing sunglasses whom you called a liar? He’s a walking library of Pre-War literature. The Russian cowboy who meows like an ocelot to get his best buds’ attention? He can speak seven different languages fluently. You think you know them, but you don’t. Copy-paste this in the comment section if you’re against joke character pigeonholing. I bet 99% of you won’t.
3. Stop Fuckin’ Lyin’
why the fuck you lyin’
why you always lyin’
mmmmmohhhmygodddd stop fuckin’ lyin’
4. Totally Not Straight
Bull’s an easy one. Any Inquisitor can romance him regardless of gender, he expresses his attraction to people of all genders throughout his dialogue, and Patrick Weekes confirmed him as pansexual in a tweet. If you’ve done any quests for The Railroad in Fallout 4, I’m sure you’ve seen Deacon snuggling up with Tinker Tom, Dr. Carrington, and a slew of other agents. I swear that The Railroad is just a front for a polyamorous commune. Oh, and there’s literally a scene in Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain where Ocelot mentions that Quiet is “in love with the legend [Big Boss]” and is like “haha, same.”
5. Hang Out at the Weird Kids’ Table
What’s an outlandish secret agent without his equally bizarre posse? Let’s start with The Iron Bull, who hangs out with the eponymous Bull’s Chargers. His second-in-command is a Tevinter man who stands on a chair and drinks wine straight out of a bottle. Deacon’s an agent for The Railroad, whose members include a conspiracy theorist with a funny hat, a trigger-happy synth with a minigun, and you, you big weirdo. When we first see Ocelot in Metal Gear Solid 3, he’s the head of the Ocelot Unit, and let’s be real—the moment you work for Ocelot, you’ve already crossed The Line of Weirdness. Meow.
6. Look Like They Go Clothes Shopping in a Costume Shop
Seriously! Looking at any of these guys makes me want to send a strongly worded letter to their personal stylists. Unless you equip him with certain pieces of armor, Bull wears green and purple striped pants, a pauldron, some pouches to keep his fruit snacks in … and that’s it. Deacon has a full wardrobe of disguises that all make him look like your 50-year-old Uncle Bradley. You know, the one that mans the grill at the family cookout? In a surprising twist, Ocelot is actually the best dressed out of the three, but he does wear the same pair of spurs for 50 years.
“Boss, I want you to know: you’re the best.”
“I hope you know what you’re doing, boss.”
“Until next time … Big Boss.”
Match the quote to the character!
Anyway, I’ll be down in the comment section doing intel for the FemHype recon team. You’re welcome to join me, but don’t blow my cover, okay? And as usual, you can direct any comments, questions, and gay covers of “Hannah Hunt” by Vampire Weekend to my Twitter, @LongLiveMelKing.
Nice talking with ya, Boss.