Welcome to “Your Bioware Crushes & Squishes,” where I report on the FemHype crew’s favorite Bioware romances and friendships! Both the Mass Effect and Dragon Age series are near and dear to many of our hearts, so I thought I’d throw a virtual sleepover of sorts where we talk about our ~tru luvs~ and brush each other’s hair. Romance not your cup of tea? No worries! We’re gonna talk about our best buds, too, since friendships are just as valid. After discussing heavy theory and social issues, sometimes it’s nice to just kick back, relax, and cry about video game characters.
You might have seen the poll that Jillian and Paige were spreading around on FemHype’s social media accounts where you, dear reader, were asked to spill the beans about your favorite Dragon Age characters to smooch and befriend. One hundred and fifty of you (myself included) chimed in. After crunching some numbers, I put together the definitive rankings for FemHype’s favorite Thedasian romances and friendships. Respondents were able to choose more than one option, so the percentages listed will not add up to 100.
It’s time for the second installment in which we look at our favorite friendships. Cheers!
Tallis is a tricksy one. So tricksy, in fact, that when I went to write about her placement in the ranking, her picture had gone up and left. It’s very mysterious, and certainly has nothing to do with the fact that I’m currently working on this at 1 AM. Most likely, since you have to pay money to have her in the game, Tallis comes up at the tail end of the ranking at 6.0%.
Even though he had not one, but two chances to prove himself as our Dragon Age BFF, Oghren only managed to stumble into the eleventh spot in the poll at 22.0%. Considering that he spent those chances talking about asschabs, drinking ale, and burping in our faces, I can’t say I’m too surprised.
10. Carver Hawke
Oh geez, it’s this kid. I can’t say that I hate Carver, but I can definitely see how he got tenth place with 22.0%. Not only does he have the jealous little brother trope going on in full force, but we really only get to see him in the first act of Dragon Age II and the DLC. I’ve noticed that any characters you need to pay for in any extent tend to place low on our rankings, probably since they’re less accessible.
9. Bethany Hawke
In a close match of sibling rivalry, Bethany comes out on top against her brother at the ninth spot and 24.0%. This victory raises the question of whether Bethany’s more liked because she’s alive for two-thirds of the game’s classes, or simply because she doesn’t complain nearly as much as Carver does.
7/8. Vivienne de Fer
Vivienne is a welcome addition to the cast of Dragon Age: Inquisition’s party members in my book. She manages to add a counterpoint to anti-Circle mages without making me want to bang my head off the wall. (It’s okay, mages deserve to be treated like cattle because demons, amirite?) I think a lot of you agreed, placing her in the seventh/eighth spot at 28.0%. And this is the only tie this time around, promise.
Official Team Mom Wynne fittingly shares the seventh/eighth place with Vivienne at 28.0%. Throughout the course of writing this list, I went to Wynne for advice regarding proper writing technique, the meaning of life, the practical application of spoons in battle, and how to make an omelette. She listened carefully each time and gave me sage advice on each topic. Thanks, Team Mom!
Let me tell you a secret—when I was getting the sixth place area all nice and organized for today, I found a plate of cookies and a kitten. Sten, whom 40.0% of you consider a great friend, tried to wave it off as part of a Qunari friendship training exercise, but I know what’s up.
Shale breaks the trend of DLC characters lacking votes by getting pigeonholed into fifth place at 42.0%. Heh. However, what makes Shale different from the other DLC characters is that you don’t actually have to pay for her DLC, so we were all able to appreciate her snark without having to worry about emptying our wallets—unlike Sebastian and Tallis.
What kind of friendship ranking would this be if a Warden’s best friend didn’t get a high score? No matter whether you named your furry buddy Barkspawn, Fido, Duke Woofington the Third, or Hey You, a solid 56.0% of the community considers this little guy one of their best Thedasian pals.
Cole used his magical ghosty powers to appear at the third spot in the ranking at 61.30%. He wishes that there were more bunnies in this poll, but all in all, he’s pretty happy to be here. I’m still feeling pretty iffy about his potential relationship with Maryden in the Trespasser DLC, but ah well. Just think of the bunnies.
2. Aveline Vallen
Look, I know what’s going on here. You’re gay for Aveline, I’m gay for Aveline, we’re all gay for Aveline—earning Kirkwall’s Captain of the Guard second place in the poll at 66.0%. Or maybe I’m just projecting on you kind folks. Did I mention I’m gay for Aveline?
The Arishok has finally peaced out of the FemHype headquarters, so now it’s time to learn who was crowned Champion of Friendship from the winner himself. Can I get some enthusiastic jazz hands going in here?
1. Varric Tethras
“No shit, there I was, enjoying a pint at The Hanged Man when some lady I’ve never seen before burst through the door and handed me a letter from a guild called FemHype. So, I sit there and gawk at the thing for a minute, because what in the sodding Deep Roads is a FemHype? But, then this woman starts muttering about a falling out with a quiet woman or something while she’s waiting for me to open it, and I think, Maker, I need her to get out of here before she makes a scene.
“So, I crack open the letter and inside it just says, ‘Varric Tethras, Champion of Friendship.’ I looked up to ask this messenger what the meaning of all of this is, but all that I found in her place was a broken bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon on the floor. Those stains are never coming out, and I never discovered the answer to my question.”
And we can’t forget that Varric’s ascent to champion-hood at 77.3% in the poll was a joint effort:
Anyway, I’m currently KO’d because Fenris finally caught up to me, but I think if you cast one of those snazzy Revival spells on me, I can hear your remarks on the results. Also, the coronation after-party for the King of Memes is still going strong, so feel free to head on over to the previous installment’s comments as well. I’ll see you next in the final installment for Dragon Age—but not for the series!