Grab your vault 101 jumpsuit and join me in the underground bunker (courtesy of Vault-Tec) that’s destined to save humanity as I illustrate how to celebrate the announcement of Fallout 4! It finally happened, folks. After seven years of frequently staring at my Pip-Boy for any shred of hope, I have found it. Thank you, Bethesda, for answering our collective prayer circles and sacrifices we have performed for many years. Here are some suggestions on how to celebrate the good news!
1. You have to buy party supplies and food for all of your post-apocalyptic friends! Don’t worry about changing into something nice—you’ve been wearing that vault 101 jumpsuit for years now, and let’s face it, there’s no one in this shelter that needs to be impressed. But an underground sanctuary with the sole purpose of preserving humanity might have strict regulations against throwing a rager. Rations be damned! This is important! Take all of those caps you were hoarding and spend them on boxes of expired Dandy Boy Apples, Insta-Mash, Potato Crisps—and let’s not forget the sweetroll. (Don’t let Butch take your precious sweetroll.)
2. Now that food has been covered, we need beverages. I can tell you right now that alcohol is limited. We’ve been waiting in this vault for 8 years for news of Fallout 4 and any beer, scotch, wine, or whiskey is long gone. Times became tough after that whole “Survivor 2299” website was actually confirmed as a hoax. That’s okay, though! We have Nuka-Cola! And if we run out, we can always make more thanks to this handy tutorial.
3. You’ve got your food and your drinks, and you have all of your jumpsuit-clad friends gathered around you. What about your friends on the surface? It’s not a party unless all of your loved ones are around!
Despite the wishes of your Overseer, you peace out and venture into the wasteland to find your friends. Unfortunately for you, everyone is dead. Defeated, you turn around to go back to the vault when a dog approaches you. His name is Dogmeat. You instantly become friends and lead him back to your home. This part of the party planning is important: there must be a dog companion present.
4. It seems as though everything is set up to perfection. Nothing screams “party” like slightly irradiated food, cramped living arrangements, and rad roaches! Sit down with your Nuka-Cola, you deserve it.
What’s this? Even in post-apocalyptic America there is still television? I almost forgot what today was! It’s June 16th, the day of E3. Nothing could ruin this—not even randomly spawned Death claws. Here’s a fun drinking game to play while you watch E3: take a shot every time someone says the following words.
You get the idea.
5. Finish your drink as soon as you see anything Fallout 4 related. Cry tears of joy, hug your robot butler Wadsworth, and get your caps ready. Er, not that platinum chip though.
Congratulations! You threw a successful party to celebrate Fallout 4. When the time comes, you’ll be ready to jingle jangle.